Caring with dignity and empathy

‘Very good! Now lift up the other leg to take a step forward.  Wonderful! See how much progress you have made!’. This was not I talking to a small baby but the physiotherapist encouraging my 83-year old mother, and coaxing her to take one more step..  The same woman, who once efficiently ran a crowded household, providing for her husband, growing children and demanding brothers-in-law, was having trouble walking without support.  As I watched him slowly egging her on to move forward, I wondered if he could believe me if I told him about how active my mother had been.

As a child, I had never seen my mother sleep. She always arose before us and slept well after us, and never had the habit of napping in the afternoon.  She dropped and picked us up from school on foot, managing smoothly even when, for a while, her three children were in three different schools.  In spite of the fact that our family finances were not good, she ensured that there was hot wholesome food always available, for us as well as for the innumerable guests who dropped in at all times of the day. On her feet all day, she made time to attend music and ‘shloka’ classes twice or thrice a week. She also rarely missed a play, music concert or dance performance at the auditorium that was a fifteen-minute walk away.

This same hyper-active lady now has to learn how to walk! A silent stroke has made her entire left side almost immobile very gradually. The person who used to recite the “Soundaryalahiri’ while going for 5 or 6 rounds of the ground outside our house, and attended yoga classes at the local park at the age of 75, slowly had to start using a cane, and then, when she started losing her balance and falling, was told to start using a walker.

 The hands that taught me how to wear a sari are now still while I go around her, tying her sari for her, after first helping her with her blouse. The hands that oiled and combed our hair and sent us to school in two tight plaits now wait on her lap while I comb her hair.  Only after watching her struggle with simple daily tasks have I realised how much we take our mobility and dexterity for granted. It is so tough to do something as simple as folding a sheet or unscrewing the lid of a bottle or even scratching an itch when only one hand is able to function efficiently.

I know she hates being dependent on anyone, but does not have a choice.  I see her watching me as I bustle about the house and my heart breaks when she pensively says, ‘I can’t believe I also used to rush around like you once upon a time’. I wish there were some instant remedy to this immobility that is slowing her down so much. Even while I can see her frustration, we can at least be grateful for the fact that her mental faculties are unaffected – she is bright and cheerful most of the time.  Thanks to her, I have learnt to be patient and let her do some things slowly, even if I could probably complete them in half the time. I think I have also learnt the art of helping just enough so that she is also left with some sense of independence.  I can only hope that I have been able to convey to her my pleasure in having her around, and being able, in some small way, to do for her what she did for us, selflessly and tirelessly.

This was published in the Hindu's Open Page on March 3, 2019 - https://www.thehindu.com/opinion/open-page/caring-with-dignity-and-empathy/article26419861.ece

Kaakai Chiraginile...

Decided to store the link to this amazing rendition by Bombay Jayashree, with the lyrics and meaning for quick reference.

https://mio.to/album/Bombay+Jayashri/Atma+Soul  song number 5

காக்கை சிறகினிலே 

1.காக்கைச்  சிறகினிலே நந்தலாலா-நின்றன் 
கரியநிறந் தோன்றுதையே நந்தலாலா;


2. பார்க்கு மரங்கலெல்லாம் நந்தலாலா -நின்றன் 
பச்சைநிறந் தோன்றுதையே நந்தலாலா;


3. கேட்கு மொலியிலெல்லாம் நந்தலாலா - நின்றன் 
கீத மிசைக்குதடா நந்தலாலா;


4.தீக்குள் விரலைவைத்தால் நந்தலாலா-நின்னைத் 
தீண்டுமின்பம்ந் தோன்றுதடா நந்தலாலா.

--பாரதியார

Kaakai Siraginile Lyrics In English:

1.kaakai siraginile nandhalala - nindran
kariya niram thondrudhaiye -nandhalala;

2.paarku marangalellam nandhalala - nindran
pachai niram thondrudhaiye nandhalala

3.kekum oliyil ellam nandhalala - nindran
geetham isaikudhada nandhalala;

4.theekkul viralai vaithal nandhalala - ninnaith
theendum inbam thondrudhada nandhalala

--Bharathiyar

Meaning : I see your black colour in crow's feather Nandalala (krishna)

i see the green colour in all the trees i see Nandalala

In all the sounds I hear your songs Nandalala

If i put my fingers in fire i feel the touch of you nandalala

Chanda collection for Durga Puja

We lived in the 60s and 70s in a tiny stretch of Raja Basanta Roy Road that extended from the CESC office on one side to the Bhanga Bari (the accepted name for the old house that had been converted into a slum).  Today, sitting in Bangalore, reading about the Durga Puja celebrations in Kolkata has kindled a lot of memories. One of my earliest memories associated with the Pujas is the tension that would pervade our house in the weeks before Mahalaya. 

Around 7.30 in the evening, while my siblings and I did our homework, we would hear the voices of a group of young men downstairs. As they climbed the stairs to our house, we would look at each other with trepidation. Our father would perk up and reach for a sheaf of papers he had kept ready for just such a visit.  Most of the time, the conversation would start amenably enough and very often end similarly too.

“Uncle – we have come for chanda for the Durga Puja in our para.”

“Ok – which para have you come from?”

“XXXX palli – near XXX Road”.

“Do you know how far from our house that area is? How can you ask for a subscription from me?”

“Uncle, you gave us last year too”.

“Oh really – let me check’”– and my father would start rifling through the sheaf he was holding. He had stored chanda receipts chronologically for the past many years. If he didn’t find a receipt in the group’s name, then he would send them off just by waving the sheaf at them and telling them about he could not afford chanda for new groups as he had obligations to so many groups.

If he found the receipt, then the discussion would be taken up to the next level.

“Ok, fine. Here you are – give me a receipt for 2 rupees”.

‘But Uncle, last time you gave more …..’ and the conversation would peter out as the speaker realised the proof of the amount was in the old receipt in my father’s hand.

Sometimes a more enterprising soul would start to say “But Uncle, shouldn’t you give us more this year” and then be treated to a five-minute diatribe on how salaries had not doubled while expenses had, how many more pujas he was contributing to, how no one was contributing to our navarathri celebrations etc etc. Once in a while the group would mention that they were celebrating their silver jubiliee. Promptly my father would pick up a receipt to show them how he had given them 5/- two years ago on their silver jubilee.  The young men would go away with 2/-, exhausted by the sheer force of my father’s arguments.  As Mahalaya neared, more and more groups would wend their way to our house and the conversation would follow the same set pattern. 

Most of the  time, the men left after exchanging pleasantries, but very often one upstart would make an offensive statement either about our being Madrasis in ‘their’ State or about us being stingy and that would start the yelling. My father would roar in anger and ask them to get out. The men would leave, threatening to deal with any of us who dared to step into their para in the next few days.  During this entire episode, my pre-teenage elder brother would quietly stay inside. An active participant in all the cricket matches that happened on the streets, he did not want these ‘dadas’ to know that he lived in this house.  In spite of being careful, I am sure he still felt the repercussions when he went out to play.   I know we went out fearfully for the next couple of days, sure that some young man was waiting to beat up my father for not giving him 2/-. 

Horror on the highways

The news item I watched on the child prostitution racket along the National Highway in Madhya Pradesh yesterday has left me stunned. Its not as if I did not know about this abuse of children, but I did not realise that it was still continued as an accepted system by a community. An entire community (the Banchhada) actually follows the tradition of prostitution! One of the videos the news team recorded was of a Khap Panchayat head actually saying that they would not allow prostitution to be stopped. He also went on to say (if i have remembered the phrase correctly), 'Yeh ruk gaya toh hamare aadmi logon ka kya hoga'!! I am still stunned by his casual comment.


The tiny shelters on stilts where the girls are seated on display along the highway, the mothers negotiating rates on behalf of their daughters.... this is probably what alternate reality looks like! It was all so casually done. The video of the young girl who could not have been even 12 years old quoting her different rates for 'upper body' and 'lower body' was chilling - what could have made her so completely resigned to her life? What is it that is allowing mothers to push their daughters into this life of hell.  And where are we 'caring' citizens who are ready to stand up and be counted with our protests, our banners and candle-light walks when this kind of gang rape is happening to children, every single day of their lives?

Could life be any better?

My favourite iTunes music from my phone  playing over Bluetooth from the music system while I sit on the swing in our living room with the Hindu crossword, a cup of tea and whole-wheat multigrain toast on a tray by my side, after starting the morning with a yoga session in the open grounds near our house, knowing that all loved ones are well and healthy.... could life be any better really??
I am truly blessed. 

On my last day in Kolkata as a resident..

I woke up to a beautiful sunrise today, hopefully a precursor to happy sunny days ahead. It is with mixed feelings that I write this today -  trepidation and excitement at the upcoming move into our own home in Bangalore, in what promises to be a beautiful well-knit community, and sadness about leaving Calcutta - a place where I grew up many times in many ways, where the boys became young men, and where we worked and partied and gallivanted for so many years.

I am going to miss some very dear friends, and the only thing that keeps me from getting dejected is the fact that we will surely stay in touch, and if in one of life's twists and turns that lie ahead, we meet, we will just continue our friendship as if there never was a time when we were apart.

What i will miss..
- Victoria Memorial walks (including a couple in torrential rain) and the longer walks around the Maidan
- walks to Nandan and the Academy, and the gandhoraj puchkas that were  a part of these walks
- walks to Inox in the Forum Mall, to watch movies, and the walk back, sometimes at 2 in the night
- dinners with friends (though the numerous dinners over the past two months will keep me happy for a long time to come)
- get-togethers with friends in our home
- Saturday breakfasts (club kachoris and jalebis) with such good friends in Victoria View
- Our drives to Lake Market on Sundays for vegetables followed by breakfast at the Banana Leaf
- Tolly teas, CCFC snacks
- the familiarity with the place - the right place for everything from crockery to refrigerators to phone repairs
- Music concerts and plays, where we were treated like royalty
- Morning tea in our balcony on the 22nd floor
- watching the rain come in
- the amazing mango souffle from Balaram Mallick's store

the list just goes on and on..

Note to my 17 year old self on the eve of my 57th birthday

Hey my dear Sandie,

I can see you now on the threshold of Class XII, anxious and unhappy, in a school you are a misfit in, wondering if you are ever going to be successful. You’re worried about the future, the kind of friends you will find and the life choices you will make. You wish you could see yourself many years from now, and see what you have become as that would help you decide your next few choices.  Well, unfortunately you cannot do that, but I just want to tell you that you did good.

You did say ‘yes’ to the right life partner – someone who will give you the space to grow without feeling threatened, someone who will take pride in your success and will always be there to support you in the decisions you make.  While your life will not be as unconventional as you hope it would be, it will still be far from ordinary. You will be happy – believe me, as you grow older, you will realise how important that is, and how blessed you will feel to actually be able to say you are happy.

You will have two wonderful sons who grow up to be very fine young men, caring about the environment and the world we live in. You will have a daughter-in-law who is a very special member of your family.

You will have a wonderful relationship with your sister. She will be a wonderful companion and you will become close friends. You will also have a very loving extended family and feel very wanted and appreciated. You will get to spend a lot of time with your mother, and enjoy the interactions with her. Her eagerness to learn, love for the fine things in life and her perseverance will be values you will  appreciate and imbibe, and your life will be more special thanks to that.

You will have wonderful friends – some who you have already met -  and luckily for you, you will have enough time to invest in these friendships and each of these friendships will be precious.   You may not become a high-flying career woman, but you will have done some productive work, and surely have a positive impact on many people’s lives. 

You will be an avid knitter, crocheter and quilter (don't look so surprised) and your family and friends will really appreciate all the work you will gift them. You actually manage to travel a lot (Paris and Angkor Wat being just two of the beautiful places you will visit), go on a terrific tiring but satisfying trek, so don't look so wistfully at pictures of the mountains. You will even run/walk a 10K marathon, thrice!! Countless plays and music concerts are coming up in the future, so you don't have to pore over the events pages of the newspapers so sadly and regretfully.

As you can see, life will be great. The future is not scary – you grow up to be a thinking woman with a solid head on your shoulders; if the head sometimes tends to drift among the clouds, the feet are still planted firmly on the ground so you will be ok. Don’t worry so much about your life ahead, and …. stop biting your nails!