Being grateful... really?

 Today I am going to try and be grateful as that is what many write-ups by grief experts

(what does this even mean - people who are experts at handling grief or people who are 

experts at feeling grief which automatically means they are not handling it well?) suggest. 

So here goes :

I am super grateful that Shashank chose me: A friend recently said that she had heard children choose the parents they want to be born to. If that’s true, then I must have done something right to have Shashank as my first-born. How much happiness we have had together.

I am very grateful that for 27+ years, I had the pleasure of being the mother of two wonderful sons who kept me entertained thanks to being so different from each other, and still so similar too.

I am grateful that for the last 7.5 months, we have been able to keep Shashank’s dream going, with his team almost fully intact.

I am grateful that my mother outlasted my son by 6 months, ensuring that caring for her made me stick to some kind of a schedule over days when I found it difficult to get into bed, and then get out of it.

I am grateful that at times when I am completely debilitated by my grief, I am able to still remember the happy times we have had as a family.

I am grateful that, while I will be laid low by grief two days hence when Shashank would have celebrated 8 years of marriage, I will still be able to hold on to some amazing memories of the wedding week.

I have been told that I will one day understand why this terrible loss had to happen. I beg to differ. I will never ever believe that there was some method in this madness. I can’t believe that Shashank’s going is good for anyone or anything, and nothing that occurs in the future is going to make me believe otherwise. And I am grateful that I have friends and family who agree with me, and don’t ask me to be grateful for any of it. I am sad, I continue to be sad and do not expect this to change in any way in the future. I am only grateful that I seem to have the strength to cope tolerably, function sensibly and be useful to others, while carrying a huge weight of sadness.