For the past few weeks, things have been spinning beyond my control. Various friends are, along with me, coping with the frailty of their elderly parents. A friend is reaching the last dose of chemotherapy while another friend just went in for her first dose and is struggling with the after-effects of the onslaught on her body. My brother is not well; we haven’t had much to say to each other for the past 15 years, but I still feel lousy knowing that he’s reacting badly to the heavy medication and is feeling debilitated. Family and friends are testing +ve, with or without symptoms, but it is still worrying.
How does one stay positive in times like these? Earlier I used to wake up already looking forward to my workout. I always loved knowing that I had a busy day coming up, and managed to squeeze so much more into a day that was predominantly taken over by an 8-hour work schedule. Now, instead of looking forward to a day that is devoid of any pre-ordained programme, I loll around in bed looking for just one hook to my day. A video call with friends, a concert or a talk online at a fixed time, a friend dropping in, even if for something as inane as borrowing some yarn, gives me that one hook around which I can plan my day. It is not that I am bored, or don’t know how to keep myself occupied, but leisurely activities like knitting or reading or listening justify that adjective ‘leisure’ only when they are book-marked by some activities that make me feel useful. This is something I thought I had learnt to work around and I should have by now.. my knitting and other handwork is helping me produce some beautiful creations, my reading is definitely helping me firm up my convictions, and my listening has helped me grow as a person. Why am I not able to do it without feeling that at least one part of my day got wasted?
To answer the question that started the previous paragraph, I have started doing more jigsaw puzzles and word games, and solving fewer crosswords. While talking to Supriya today (our talks always make me think and we really should talk more often), I realised that the puzzles and word games (thank you, Mr.Wardle for Wordle) are easier to complete and that helps as I feel like I am actually in control of at least some things. I am binge-watching animated musicals – just knowing that it all ends well at the end is so reassuring. This is probably what makes me watch selected bits and pieces of Dil To Pagal Hai or Notting Hill or Pretty Woman.
The latest issue of Caravan arrived last week and it has been lying on my table. It has the UP CM on the cover, looking particularly malevolent, and I know that it’s going to be very difficult reading this issue of the magazine. The news from UP over the past few months (years?) has been horrifying and this article on the Reign of Terror will probably touch on all those news items – I know I should be informed, and I know I have an opinion but I just do not have the headspace just now to read even one line of the article. Easier to sit and re-read the Little Prince for the 100th time, or Pride and Prejudice for the 1000th time. It makes me an escapist, right? Never mind, it also keeps me ready to wake up and face tomorrow and the day-after.
