Why did I not make kozhakattais this year for Ganesh Chaturthi

For a while now, I have not believed in a God who watches over us. All my temple visits have been to admire the construction or the beautiful deities, but it has never been to pray. At some point a few years ago, I decided that I did not like the idea of prayer which stemmed from fear or from a need/greed. I did send out prayers into the world, but they were always thankful messages as I was grateful for the life I was fortunate enough to be leading. I knew that the circumstances which provided me with a happy comfortable life were not always in my control, and I had the good sense to know that I was lucky.

Even if I myself did not believe in gods that looked after us, I liked the rituals linked to Krishna Janmashtami and Ganesh Chaturthi, so on the appropriate days, the idols were decked up and the prasad was made. The flowers for the idols came from our own garden, and this was nothing short of a miracle for someone like me who had spent a large part of my life living in apartments. There were always enough parijaat flowers for the archanai/puja and more than enough red hibiscus flowers to thread into garlands. Making kozhakattais (modaks) for Ganesh Chaturthi was a big event in our house, and it was only in the past 4 or 5 years that I was able to make the rice flour- paste shells in the right shape (they had to stand up like teacups on my palm, ready to receive the filling) and of the right consistency (thin enough for light to go through but thick enough so they kept their shape when steamed). They had to be hand-made, of course, with no resorting to readymade moulds which could have made my life easier.

But this year, I am devastated, and still struggling to make sense of the tragedy that struck our family. My very beloved elder son suddenly left us for ever, early in the morning on a Saturday in April, and our lives turned upside down then, to say the least. I had no gods to rant to, or about, and that is another problem that I will have to cope with some other day. I watch people celebrating Ganesh Chaturthi and Janmashtami with fervour and devotion, and have to control the urge to tell them that it is all pointless. I also have to suppress the voice that tells me that such a tragedy befell us because I didn’t believe in gods and/or pray to them, as that can lead to some very dark thoughts. Believe me, in the past 4 months, I know all the different paths that can lead to spiralling rabbit holes of sorrow and confusion and darkness. When I am able to claw away from the edge of these thoughts, thanks to being surrounded by very loving family and friends, I know that one day, I will again learn to be grateful for the good times we did have, and the happiness (even if always tinged with an absence and sadness) that lies ahead. Right now, all I can think of is “How am I going to cope with Diwali?