For a while I am ok. Suddenly one thought about Shashank creeps up, wiping away whatever thoughts were flooding my brain before that. For a while this tiny thought makes me smile because it's always accompanied by his beautiful wide grin or his gently mocking 'mamma...'. Then there's the sudden realisation yet again that he's gone, that smile and that tone are gone forever from my life. And then the pain starts. It's like my womb clenches first, and then the memory of the loss spreads to the stomach and the back. My chest feels like it is going to explode - how can any physical being hold so much of grief and not burst into fragments! The tears are streaming from my eyes, my nose, my mouth is the shape of one nefer-ending wail - loud in my head but silent to others. I've learnt to cry without a sound so that I don't disturb either my mother or Ravi. Finally at some point, the tears stop flowing, leaving behind a splitting headache, a tense back, a completely gutted stomach, and a message - enough for now, go be happy for a while till we are back again and again and again, for as long as you live.
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